Sage Advice 115: Summer Blockbusters Of 2013

I don’t like movies. I’m not sure if it’s because of the loud sounds or that time I walked into a room of three raccoons fighting with cotton swabs and fire and thought it was Transformers 2 for 4 hours, but something about the cinema just doesn’t work with me. That being said, I’m still an expert on all things film. That second thing being said, I believe it’s a duty of mine to analyze, judge, and recommend the major films of summer 2013. You will be able to use this movie guide to direct your summer flick outings. Below you’ll find a selection of movies, a written analysis for each movie, a final grade for each movie, and my own artistic visual interpretation. Here we go!

The Wolverine

I haven’t seen this movie, nor do I have any idea what it is about. Based off the title, however, we can assume the story must follow trials and tribulations of a frustrated mammal that is sick of representing its entire species. I mean, if the little bugger is the wolverine, then that means everyone is talking about ’em like he (or maybe she) is the main wolverine. Imagine that: you have to represent your entire species in a ninety-minute summer movie. That’s a lot of pressure for such a small animal native to Canada. I wonder if its nationality will play a pivotal role in the creature’s journey? I can’t wait to find out.

FINAL GRADE: C- A=2X

Photo Aug 06, 8 34 11 PM

2 Guns

I haven’t seen this movie, nor do I have any idea what it is about. The title seems pretty obvious, though: two automatic weapons fall in love and chase one another through let’s say the streets of New York. Maybe one falls for the other while that one plays hard to get or maybe like one of them breaks up with the other and like they end up back together or maybe it’s a porno? I don’t know. Anyway, 2 Guns is probably a delight that will warm the hearts of everyone who is tricked into enduring it.

FINAL GRADE: Like 12

Photo Aug 06, 8 41 20 PM

Pacific Rim

I haven’t seen this movie, nor do I have any idea what it is about. I bet it’s gonna take place in California or maybe Washington? That’s where the Pacific is, right? Then again, it could be Asia. Like eastern Asia. Maybe Japan? The rim part sounds sexual, and I’m not comfortable with that.

FINAL GRADE: Let’s say “the ocean”

Photo Aug 06, 8 44 45 PM

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

I haven’t seen this movie, nor do I have any idea what it is about. This is the kind of movie that has a dude’s name for the title. I have no idea who he is, so it’s hard to know what he does or what he digs. That Sea of Monsters thing probably indicates a sea with some monsters in it. Hey, maybe it takes place in the Pacific? Is this movie and the last one crossover movies?

FINAL GRADE: Percy Jackson’s Pacific Rims a Sea of Monsters

Photo Aug 06, 8 44 45 PM

Planes

Probably planes?

FINAL GRADE: I flew in one of those once. I had to go to a funeral.

Photo Aug 06, 8 54 09 PM

Well, that about does it for my summer blockbuster breakdown 2013 edition. Goddamn it! Why didn’t I call the article Summer Blockbuster Breakdown 2013 Edition? Is it too late to edit?

Matthew Fugere

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