Sage Advice 116: My Star Trek: The Next Generation Fan Fiction*

*(I must begin this piece by admitting to everything I remember about Star Trek: The Next Generation: back when I was about eight-years-old, my dad would watch it after I was done watching X-Men the cartoon; the guy from Reading Rainbow was in it and looked like he had lasers in his eyes or something; a very pale guy was actually a robot (I’m assuming he bled milk much like the robot-people in the film Alien); there was an angry guy with a wrinkly forehead in it.)

FADE IN to a really complicated ship with lots of lights and buttons going on. The captain of the USS Space Ship Town, named for being big enough for an entire town to live in, sits in a really big chair. He looks out of the ship’s windshield window, into a vast sea of blackness and like stares and stuff. He’s like really looking into it. Like really hard. Like he’s pondering some really deep stuff. Straight intellectual stuff. A dumb looking, really pale robot guy who probably bleeds milk like that dumb robot in Alien enters.

Disgusting Milk Robot (completely monotone and boring): Captain, you wanted to see me?

Captain Xavier: Yes, Milk Robot, I want you to tell Reading Rainbow that I need to talk to him about our next mission or whatever we call what we do while we vaguely fly around in space.

Disgusting Milk Robot: Aye Aye, Captain.

Captain Xavier: Oh, and Milk Robot.

Disgusting Milk Robot: Yes, Captain?

Captain Xavier: Remember to refill your milk canons or however you work. I’m willing to bet that whatever is inside you is really gross and needs to be cleaned out at least like twice a week.

Disgusting Milk Robot: Of course, Captain.

A crazy hologram thing appears at the captain’s chair. He has like all these buttons and gadgets on the armrests of his chair, and boy do they do some wild stuff. An insane hologram thing is one of those gadgets. So anyway, the hologram, which is a communication device (duh), is of Reading Rainbow.

Reading Rainbow: You wanted to speak to me Captain?

Captain Xavier: Oh good, that gross robot was really quick, eh?

Reading Rainbow: Yes, Captain. Though, I must admit, I find his disgusting milk-based body off putting and an overall burden on the ship’s productivity.

Captain Xavier: I agree, Reading Rainbow, but we must have a certain number of robots on our ship as per intergalactic space laws and what have you. They can think or something.

Reading Rainbow: Oh my, I bet there’s a theme or a moral in that dilemma that could be applied to the struggles of many different people throughout time. It’s almost like a lesson that everyone should have learned a long time ago because most conflicts tend to repeat themselves.

Captain Xavier: Shut up.

Reading Rainbow: Okay.

Captain Xavier: Reading Rainbow, I wanted to ask you what you did on this ship exactly. Are you an engineer? Are you in the medical bay? Or do you just hang out because you have laser eyes probably and cool sunglasses?

Reading Rainbow: Well captain, I instill a love for reading into the entire crew. This is important because as we’re deep in space and begin to get tired of our nightly orgies I assume we have because what else would you do in space for so long we can turn to the power of reading to captivate our collective imagination and spirit. It’s a lovely sentiment and I’m chafing.

Captain Xavier: And the lasers?

Reading Rainbow: That’s for clearing out shrubs and what have you on planets that we visit that are covered in plant life. Since we assume all plants are like the plants we have on our planet, we just murder the hell out of anything that’s green and/or tree-looking.

Captain Xavier: Shut up.

Reading Rainbow: Okay.

A really big guy with a really wrinkly forehead enters. He looks angry, but no one seems to mind because he always looks angry.

Wrinkled Forehead Guy: Captain, our next mission or whatever we call it involves us landing on a planet where all of the intelligent life looks like plant life from your planet.

Captain Xavier: Jesus Christ, your forehead freaks me out.

Wrinkled Forehead Guy: Sir, your reference eludes me as I’m from—

Captain Xavier: I mean, is it technically your scrotum? It looks a little bit like a human scrotum. Here, let me show you.

The Captain begins to unzip his space pants.

Wrinkled Forehead Guy: Sir, there is no need to show me your genitals again.

Captain Xavier (zipping his space pants back up): Fine then. Your loss.

Reading Rainbow appears on the hologram communication device thing. It makes a really cool noise.

Reading Rainbow: Captain, we are about to land on this new planet where all of the intelligent life looks like plants from our planet. Also, since this show is probably really similar to X-Men the cartoon, I’m just going to go by Cyclops from here on out.

Captain Xavier: That’s fine. Okay, let’s get wrinkled foreskin, milk robot, Cyclops, and me into some badass astronaut gear and go check out this planet together.

Female Character: Hey, I’m gonna come along too. That will probably give like another interesting perspective on the events that unfold.

Captain Xavier: Yeah, sure. C’mon.

Female Character: Also, I don’t know what my name is, so let’s just call me Rogue or Storm or Jean.

Captain Xavier: Sure.

CUT TO a planet covered in vegetation. The USS Space Ship Town team—Wrinkled Forehead Guy, Disgusting Milk Robot From Alien, Jean Grey, Captain Xavier, and Cyclops—are all dressed in really cool astronaut suits. They’re totally ready to check out what this planet is all about. Suddenly, one of the crazy plants growing from the ground begins to speak.

Crazy Plant On Plant Planet: Welcome, travelers, my name is Planty. I am leader of the plant planet. We are a peaceful race. Can we offer you anything to aid you on your journey because even though you are very foreign looking to us we wish to cause you absolutely no harm despite such hospitality leaving us very vulnerable to an attack?

Cyclops laser-eye blasts the boring plant.

Captain Xavier: Stand down, Cyclops! Don’t you see? We’re the invaders! Whoa! What a twist!

Cyclops: You’re right, Captain. I’m sure we can all learn a little about humanity from this tragic event.

A massive Sentinel lands next to the team, shaking the ground beneath them. The purple behemoth points at the team, preparing to fire crazy lasers and stuff.

Wrinkled Forehead Guy: I’ll be Wolverine!


-Matthew Fugere


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