Sage Advice 96: Let Me Explain To You Why Nature Sucks

Nature is boring and it sucks. If you disagree, it’s because you’ve never lived in nature. It’s always really easy for people who have never had to live in nature to talk about how beautiful and amazing it is.

I guess I should define what I mean by nature. When I say nature, I’m talking about everything outside of the human distraction. Essentially, if it isn’t anything like society, culture, iPads, science, or pop music, it’s probably nature.

People tend to forget how horrible nature is because they’re so unexposed to it. We see impressive landscape pictures of forests or deserts and assume that everything that goes on outside of the human world is as breath-taking and gorgeous as stock-photography shows us. Here’s the thing though: everything outside of the human world wants you dead.

You’re not a tourist in an ecosystem, you’re part of it. Sure, that sounds exciting on paper; having to watch over basic needs in a meticulous and serious fashion is very much outside of the first-world experience. But when you’re part of nature, that just means you’re either food for something or something is food for you. Either way, everything is going to hiss at you and try to kill the shit out of you.

I’m not just speaking from a hypothetical stance. I used to live in a place filled with all kinds of nature: South Carolina. When I say South Carolina has lots of nature, I don’t mean wildlife or nature preserves. I mean that the first state to secede from the union hasn’t caught up to the 21st century. Or the 20th. I really think the 19th might even be a little outside of South Carolina’s comfort zone.

When I lived in South Carolina, my family basically lived in a really nice shack. I don’t call it a shack to create a dramatic scene or anything. I call it a shack because we didn’t have doors that didn’t have holes in them or rooms that didn’t have animals living in/under/around/on them or a functioning toilet. Since our house (where most people would experience the human world’s distractions) sucked so many asses, I spent most of my time outside. In nature.

Nature tried to kill nine-year-old me a lot. Whether it was a water moccasin I threw a rock at getting mad at me or some kind of hill person with a shotgun tossing me and my siblings into the back of a truck (yes, hill people count as nature) or large snapping turtles wandering around the fields I ran through to pass the time, it seemed like nature wanted me as dead as industry wants it dead.

While we’re on the subject of passing time, that’s the hardest part about dealing with nature. Nature is boring. Everything that doesn’t have the comfort of living in society only exists to conserve or acquire more energy. What do you think tree frogs do all day? They can’t just hop around since that takes up way more energy than they could acquire in a day. They just sit there. All day. Staring at nothing.

I did that a lot in South Carolina. I just sat there and stared at nothing. Or threw rocks at snakes. Either way, I was just passing time until I got out of South Carolina. Survival is not exciting or interesting; it’s boring and stupid and probably hurts.

That’s the whole point of society and culture and iPads. They’re all distractions. We’re really just mushy mammals with the shittiest fur coat in the animal kingdom, but being able to ignore that is totally reliant on really good distractions.

The great human distraction isn’t going to last forever, though. Someday society is going to cave in on itself from excess, violence, people like Ke$ha, greed, bears who figure out how much we suck at hand-to-hand combat, and stupidity. But until then: WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

-Matthew Fugere

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One Response to Sage Advice 96: Let Me Explain To You Why Nature Sucks

  1. K. Jean King says:

    I knew it wasn’t just me. Nature is SO boring. My partner is all “let’s go camping” and I’m all “let’s go somewhere where there is actually something to do, and this doesn’t end in a murder/suicide.”

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