Sage Advice 112: Harry Cram, The Film Critic Who Thinks Movies Are Real, Reviews The Dark Knight Rises

Occasionally, I like to have guest writers on Sage Advice. Harry Cram, a film critic I met in a Denny’s restroom when I was in grade school, has been reviewing films over thirty years. He also thinks all movies are real. Here’s his review of a film that came out awhile ago.

As if The Avengers, a movie that proved gods and radioactive monsters are working together and filming their adventures to show off to the general public, wasn’t enough to scare me into realizing super-humans completely neglect property damage costs and insurance premiums, The Dark Knight Rises comes around only to further destroy my sense of security.

The movie starts out explaining what’s going on takes place eight years after what happened in 2008, when The Dark Knight happened. That means The Dark Knight Rises takes place four years from now. I don’t know how these filmmakers keep getting their hands on the world’s time-machines, but I think they’re really wasting that technology by capturing the antics of a billionaire who thinks giving back to his community means attacking strangers while dressed like a wild animal. I was already upset when the young man in Back to the Future used the precious resources of what has to be the only time-machine available just to hit on his mother, something he could have easily done without travelling through time.

Then again, I suppose it’s important that the events that will unfold in Gotham City get extensive coverage. After all, this is a city that has been under attack by various terrorists wielding dangerous superpowers since 1989, yet I still can’t find it on a map (this doesn’t come as too much of a surprise, however, as I’ve also never found Narnia, Mordor, or London on a map either despite all of these places being regular battlegrounds for wizards and other violent individuals).

Like most movies I go to, I was thrown out for using my cellphone to call various media outlets to warn them about the coming violence and destruction of a major city, so I didn’t get to see the last hour of the film. The Dark Knight Rises has me once again too afraid to go outside because of the possibility of random terrorism and people dressed like wild animals attacking me. Not since I was thrown out halfway through 1998’s Armageddon for asking the other moviegoers to start an orgy with me since the world was about to end have I come out of a film so terrified of the outside world. I’m going back to my underground bunker to cry and eat rations.

My Grade: D- because Christopher Nolan stole a time-machine

-Harry Cram

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