Sage Advice 99: Food Blog 2: Fooder Than Ever

It’s been awhile since my last food blog, so I figured I needed to really up my internet game by showing people what I’m going to/have already put into my mouth. I’ll stick to just what has been going on today, so I’ll be showing you pictures of the things I already put into my body earlier and what I plan to put into my body a little later.

Yummy Sharks

Gummi Sharks (Throughout the day)

These are gummi sharks. My niece gets one of these every time she poops in the toilet to help potty-train her. I don’t see why I don’t deserve the same reward for the same work, so I’ve applied the same method of treat intake. So far, I’ve had like twelve of these today. They are amazing.

Pretend Pizza (Breakfast)

Speaking of my niece, here’s her plastic play-kitchen. This is where she plays pretend and where I ate breakfast today. I licked that pizza on the microwave for a good ten minutes before I was completely convinced I was getting nowhere. The pie seemed appetizing, but I really need to start watching my carbohydrate consumption to maintain my pillow-like figure.

Perfectly Good Cat Food Just Sitting Around (Snack time)

A cat lives somewhere in my apartment. I’m not sure what it wants from me, but I do know it leaves perfectly good food sitting around. How dumb are you, cat? Do you honestly think I’m not going to eat food that’s just sitting around my apartment? Get real.

Fire (Double snack time)

I’ve eaten wax before, and I know it’s an okay snack for the afternoon. However, I’m more concerned with the fire. I’ve never had that before. I’ve seen people at carnivals and circuses eat fire, but I’ve never been able to because of all the burning. I’m going to finally get it down my gullet today. If I succeed, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be able to breathe fire á la dragons.

Flyer (Dinner)

Someone left a flyer for a Chinese restaurant called Dragon City at my door. I’m probably going to go there for dinner tonight and eat this flyer. I’ve been meaning to up my fiber intake since I’ve eaten so many gummi sharks in the last week. Also, I should be breathing dragon fire by the time I get there.

Whatever This Is (Dessert)

I don’t know what this stuff is, but I’ve eaten it before. It makes my tongue really slippery and oily. It’s kinda fun.

Dog (Future plans)

This is my dog, Pepper. She is fifteen-years-old. That’s pretty impressive for a dog. I don’t plan on eating her right now, but what else am I going to do when she inevitably croaks from being like a million-years-old in person years? I’ve never eaten a dog before, but I know it’s pretty customary in a lot of places around the world. What better way to go out as a loyal pet than to provide a meal for your master? It’s better than being buried or cremated if you ask me. People should eat me when I die, too. That’s just an idea.

Well, that’s about all I have planned for food today. I’ll definitely work on another one of these posts so you guys can keep up with what really matters in your life: me eating things.

-Matthew Fugere

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