Sage Advice 95: Why You Should Be Terrified Of Bugs

The following is a list of reasons explaining why you, the average human, should be absolutely scared of bugs:

  • They outnumber the shit out of me and you by at least ten or maybe even a hundred
  • They don’t fear us, no matter how much we yell at them
  • Pincers
  • Can you really trust anything with more than two legs?
  • Have you ever seen one up close? Lemme show you:

  • They actually buy into the whole “Don’t use Q-tips in your ear” crap. Are you serious, bugs?
  • They think the fifth season of Lost was the best season of Lost. Are you serious, bugs?
  • At least half of them have better jobs than you and I
  • Do bugs even have blood? Probably not
  • Like, where are they even from?
  • Almost none of them think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a delightful fellow, which he totally is
  • While we’re sleeping, they’re doing something weird like skiing or maybe learning how to play the banjo
  • I don’t even know what constitutes a “bug”. Is a deer a bug? What about sadness or coffee mugs? I don’t know
  • Sometimes they’re big but other times they aren’t
  • Do any of them know the first couple of words to “Here Comes the Sun” without using Wikipedia? Probably not
  • They don’t have to register for the draft when they turn 18 and maybe they don’t even ever turn 18!
  • One time this bug vibrated in my ear while I was sleep. I’m not joking. This bug got into my room, crawled into my ear, vibrated, and just left me. How do you do that to somebody? I put “Wanted” signs all over my house in hopes of someone finding him and turning him in to me so I could setup a proper trial (because he really is innocent until proven guilty in my court of law in my room), but no one caught him
  • C’mon
  • Pincers. Can’t stress that enough

-Matthew Fugere

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One Response to Sage Advice 95: Why You Should Be Terrified Of Bugs

  1. K. Jean King says:

    That. Was. Fantastic.

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