Sage Advice 94: My Twilight Fan Fiction*

*(I must introduce this by disclosing that I am not familiar with the Twilight franchise. I have never read any of the novels. I have also never seen any of the films. All of this is based off what I have been able to pick up from edited-for-television trailers and advertisements. I then combined that knowledge with what I know about vampires from watching Interview with a Vampire when I was nine-years-old.)

FADE IN to a really huge open field with flowers and dirt and stuff and a really full moon that completely takes over the horizon. The moon is much larger than your average moon, practically covering the night sky. And it’s full. Really full. The moon is always full here because that is astronomically possible.

Italian Restaurant Girl (staring blankly into the distance): The moon is really full tonight like it is every night I come here to see the only other human being on this planet who understands my adolescent problems. Or is he a human being?!

That Guy Who Died In That One Harry Potter Movie (sneaking behind IRG to surprise her): You’re right to say “or is he a human being.”

IRG (startled but staring blankly): Oh my! I did not see you there, TGWDITOHPM. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that since you’re probably wanted for murder or something else terrible you’ve done like statutory rape.

TGWDITOHPM (calmly): There’s no need to worry about that because I can just turn into a bat or something because I can do that and in no way is the light shining off this incredibly massive full moon bothering me even though it’s just sunlight bouncing off the moon. I don’t mind it at all.

IRG (staring blankly): Well that’s good because we’re probably totally going to make-out and bang like right now but there won’t be any nudity because I think this is technically written for teenagers or something.

TGWDITOHPM (calmly): I’m going to impregnate you with my bat-seed. Because I can turn into a bat.

CUT TO a cabin in the woods near the open moony field. A man with an extremely large forehead and no shirt enters the scene. It is raining, and he doesn’t have a shirt on. That doesn’t bother him though.

Very Large Forehead Man (staring blankly): I am Indian or something and that is in no way culturally insensitive or racist.

A loud scream can be heard from the direction of the open moony field.

VLFM (staring blankly): Oh no! I know that sound from anywhere. It’s my bat-vampire-friend impregnating this really young girl I like or something. I better turn into a dingo or maybe a dog or something because I can do that and go save her or stop him or something.

VLFM turns into dingo or a dog or something and quickly sprints towards the direction of the sound. It is still raining because it is always raining where VLFM is.

CUT TO a small house in a suburb near the open moony field and cabin in the rainy woods. A man with a mustache sits at a dining room table.

Man With Mustache (staring blankly): I have a mustache so I must be a fireman or a cop or something and my daughter, the Italian Restaurant Girl, is out with her bat friend.

A loud sound from the direction of the open moony field is heard.

MWM (staring blankly): For the sake of time, I’ll just assume that’s my teenage daughter getting pounded by her bat friend. I better go make sure she’s okay.

CUT TO the large, open moony field. IRG and TGWDITOHPM sit in the grass with their clothes still on.

IRG (staring blankly): For the sake of time and comprehension, I’m just going to go by Stacey from now on.

TGWDITOHPM: Sounds good. I’ll go by Jim for the same reason.

Stacey (staring blankly): Oh look, here comes VLFM and my dad, MWM. Let’s call them Dan and Robert, respectively.

Jim: Okay.

Dan, still in dog or dingo or something form, approaches Stacey. It is now raining and Dan still does not have a shirt on as he turns back into regular Dan form.

Dan (staring blankly): Good thing I got here in time. Or did I?!

Jim: That depends on what you were getting here for.

Dan (staring blankly): To make sure you didn’t impregnate the very young girl that I like with your bat-seed, so I could do the same thing with my dog-or-dingo-or-something-seed.

Jim: I done been doing that. She totally has some bat-seed in her.

Stacey (staring blankly): Yup. I can feel it and stuff. That bat-baby is well on its way.

Robert, Stacey’s dad, enters the scene. He has a shotgun because he’s a fireman or a cop or something.

Robert: Did you bang my under-aged daughter and leave your bat-vampire-juice in her?

Jim: That’s basically what’s going on in this story, yes.

Dan (staring blankly and turning into a dog or a dingo or something): Well, now we gotta fight and stuff.

Jim: Nope, I’m out.

Jim turns into a bat and flies to the moon because it is very close since it’s so full and taking up so much space in the horizon and all of that is astronomically possible. Dan follows because his dog or dingo or whatever can do that. Robert and Stacey also follow because why not.

CUT TO the moon. It’s grey and really cold, but the earth can be seen on the horizon. Actually I don’t think it would be, because the phase of the moon as seen from the earth would be the opposite of the phase of the earth as seen from the moon. So it would be a “new earth.” Who cares? It’s a full earth on this moon-day.

Tom Cruise: I think I’m in this scene with Brad Pitt.

Jim: Well, now we’ll finally figure out who would win in a fight: a bat or a dog or dingo or whatever.

Dan (staring blankly): Let’s just say dingo from now on.

The two men, in their animal form, fight one another.

Robert (staring blankly at his daughter): So you banged a bat?

Stacey (staring blankly): Yeah.

Robert (staring blankly): I guess that instance of bestiality will go largely unaddressed.


-Matthew Fugere

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