Musicians are strange. Not just because their profession requires them to manipulate vibrations—something I’m still convinced is witchcraft—but also because they don’t mind being “classically trained.”
If you meet a musician who is classically trained, it means they understand the intricacies and aspects of music as established by theories and practices created centuries ago. Essentially, a classically trained musician is someone who sees no need for a modern update to their skills.
Not every profession gets to do that. In fact, dwelling on the past in such a manner is quite dangerous for most occupations:
- A classically trained doctor will probably grind some bone meal into your frog spit and swamp moss broth to clear up all that cancer in your body.
- “Of course you can segregate the coloreds,” Jim, our Human Resources guy said. “I should know, after all, I’m classically trained.”
- A therapist who is classically trained probably thinks it’s demons and ghosts that are plaguing your mind. The cure? Drill a hole in the head and leave some meat near it to coax the demons out.
- Blacksmiths are only classically trained. Wait, are there any blacksmiths left? I don’t think so…
- On the flip side, a computer technician can’t be classically trained. Unless you count just knowing about numbers as being classically trained for understanding computers. Which I don’t. How can I watch pornography on numbers?
- A classically trained cartographer doesn’t know what North America is.
- By today’s standards, a writer who is classically trained would have terrible grammar and spelling.
- A classically trained farmer probably owns people.
- The Model T is the only car a classically trained mechanic understands. He or she would also think seatbelts and airbags are a waste of space.
- Geocentric Solar System: the only way a classically trained astronomer understands the universe.
- A classically trained actor is probably just a slightly more annoying actor.
- A classically trained police officer is probably just a slightly less violent police officer.