Sage Advice 92: Look Guys, I’m An Adult And I Deserve An Adult Drink

And I’m gonna put that adult drink into an adult glass—no sippy cups for this grown man. Occasionally I do indulge in some of the devil’s backwash (that’s an old southern saying I made up just now), and aside from the normal disadvantages that are expected with such reckless consumption (blacking out, damaging relationships with family and friends, being arrested), there is one aspect of this activity that I truly despise: counterproductive productivity.

Often, while under the tightly gripping command of your garden variety shame liquid, I feel incredibly productive. I want to get things done. My energy bounces up and I become ready for any task that comes to mind. The problem is, none of these tasks are worth my time or attention or effort or inevitable consequences. Here’s a list of ideas I say out loud or in my head during such deranged moments:

“Shaving my dog’s hind legs was a good idea”

“Why wouldn’t I sell my alarm clock to help pay for this one legged rooster? How else will I wake up tomorrow?”

“Hell yeah I’ll buy your baby”

“I should listen to Dave Matthews Band while I do everything from now on!”

“Facebooking that girl who told me I was weird looking back in high school and sending her a picture of two elephants having sex and Photoshopping a picture of a dong on the girl elephant’s trunk and calling the picture “Dongelphants” is totally a good way to spend a Saturday night alone in my room and will not result in my arrest for sexual harassment”

“Hell yeah I’ll sell you this baby”

“Well I don’t count it as a body part, so I don’t mind touching it in public”

“Why have I just now figured out sleeping between mattress and box spring makes me feel like an amazing drowsy sandwich?”

“I bet I can fit the whole thing in my mouth”

“Making a fake ID even though I’m well above the age of 21 is definitely the best way to use this laminator I just bought”

“Laminating this part of me is a good idea”

“No, you shut up, guy who looks like my dad”

“Hell yeah I’ll buy this Dave Matthews”

“I think I’m gonna blog”

-Matthew Fugere

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