Sage Advice 91: Please Take My Internet Survey

I’m doing some pretty crucial research for a thing where I’m pretending to do some pretty crucial research. I’m studying how people spend their time on the internet. Please take the following survey. Remember to add up your points (the numbers next to each answer) at the end to see what kind of internet personality you have. Also remember that this is serious research.

What kinds of websites do you visit the most while using the internet?

  1. News and information websites (10 points)
  2. Video and other multimedia websites (10 points)
  3. Kitten-based websites (20 points)
  4. Pornographic-based websites (100 points)
  5. Pornographic-kitten-based websites (1000 points)

How do you connect to the internet?

  1. A wireless connection (10 points)
  2. A hardline connection (10 points)
  3. This really interesting looking rock I found outside (-200 points)
  4. Magic invisible waves I don’t understand but nevertheless worship (1000 points)

In your opinion, which of the following words best describes the internet?

  1. Chunky (1000 points)
  2. Furry (10 points)
  3. Smooth (-10000 points)
  4. Curry-based (500 points)

Can you read?

  1. No (1000 points)
  2. No (500 points)
  3. No (600 points)
  4. No (-1 point)

Would you ever consider doing battle with an armor-clad lizard?

  1. You’ve basically just described a fantasy of mine (50000 points)
  2. No, I’m a jerk who doesn’t like fun (60 points)
  3. No, I’m a loser-jerk who is also dumb and doesn’t like fun (65 points)
  4. Yes (10 points)

Do you think I could pull this off?

  1. I really don’t see why not (10000 points)
  2. Oh, totally (1000 points)
  3. Maybe in the summer (80 points)
  4. Try another color (-1000000 points)

Don’t look now, but that person you don’t like is Facebook stalking you

  1. Don’t mind him, that’s just Jim (100 points)
  2. I owe him money (1000 points)
  3. Stalk him back (1000 points)
  4. I’m stalking him actually (10000 points)

Which of the following diseases would you compare to the internet?

  1. Definitely SIDS, if that counts as a disease (10000 points)
  2. Wow, I can’t believe I answered with SIDS, I’m disgusting (10000 points)

Whatcha thinkin’?

  1. Oh, you know (1000000 points)
  2. That shoe you couldn’t pull off (-1000000)

How do you internet?

  1. Please repeat the question (0 points)

This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to let you know that you look nice today.

  1. That’s so sweet of you! (10000 points)
  2. I’m going to let that go to my head now (10 points)
  3. That’s unsettling (5 points)

Oh, you totally deserved it!

  1. It’s just so nice to get a compliment once in awhile, ya know (10000 points)
  2. Don’t just assume I answered 1 for that last question (-2 points)
  3. Goddamn it, that is so unsettling (10 points)

Could I borrow your car later?

  1. Yup (10000 points)

Oh that’s so sweet of you!

  1. Oh, it’s no problem, just get it back it to me whenever you can (10000 points)
  2. Stop it (0 points)

Yeah, I’ll bring it back in like two weeks at most.

  1. That’s fine (1000 points)
  2. Stop it, seriously (0 points)

Would you mind filling another survey I’m doing about wildlife and bare-knuckle boxing? I think I slipped one of the questions into this one anyway. You might as well go do it.

  1. Sure (10 points)
  2. Yup (10 points)
  3. No (-0 points)

What’s your average internet connection speed?

  1. We’re past this bullshit at this point (-1/2 points)
  2. So many (1000 points)
  3. Not so many (0 points)

And your Social Security Number?

  1. 867951235 (points)
  2. 972501205 (points)
  3. 451025632 (points)
  4. 987562023 (points)

Okay, remember when I said back there that I was going to bring your car back in like two weeks? That plan is shot and now we’ve got two hours to spray-paint a goat blue and sell it to my dad.

  1. I’ll drive (X/0 points)

Points breakdown:

-100000 or less: You’re racist and I’d look fabulous in that

1000000 or more: You’re doing this internet thing really well

-Matthew Fugere

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