Sage Advice 90: Why Gas Prices Aren’t Actually Going Up As Explained By A Guy Who Doesn’t Own A Car

Oil companies today insisted their American customers are not experiencing increased prices at gas stations as a result of the whims and interests of billionaires and are, instead, seeing an exponential growth in their automobiles’ gas tanks. Relying completely on the goldfish-like memory and apathetic worldviews of the American public, nearly every oil company in the world has agreed that gas prices have not risen in years.

“What you’re experiencing isn’t the product you’re buying becoming more expensive,” one representative of an oil company that does something to a bunch of liquid it finds in the ground and tells you to put it in everything you own that goes vroooooom said. “What’s really happening is that everything you put gas in—cars, lawnmowers, industrial-sized blenders, kittens? Do you put gas in kittens? I’m not sure. Anyway, all of that stuff is just starting to require more gas as it slowly expands over time. You’re not paying more for gas. You’re just buying more gas.”

The same representative presented these charts to further explain the idea:


John J. Johns, a gas user/enthusiast who doesn’t mind sharing his opinions regardless of how ill-informed they may be, said, “It makes sense. Sometimes I sit in my car and think about whether or not matter is constantly expanding and, if so, how would such a moderate yet measurable growth affect my daily construction of a functional existence? Also, I like talking into microphones and things kittens do.”

The fast-food industry is planning to tackle obesity in a similar manner, claiming people are simply expanding as per the natural cycle of life, the human body, and fuel injectors.

-Matthew Fugere

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