Sage Advice 86: Fashion!

As the saying goes, clothes make the man. Particularly if those clothes are fashioned out of leaves, twigs, glue, and that sickly looking raccoon you found under your shed. You can actually learn a whole lot about a person just from the collection of fabrics they assemble around their pudgy flesh. For example, it’s safe to say the person wearing the aforementioned attire is probably an open-minded, kind soul who has an interest in the arts and animal conservation.

First impressions. That’s what clothes are really all about. You want someone to get an idea of who you are or what you represent when they see you, and people will get those messages from the clothes you wear. This makes your daily wardrobe decisions far more crucial when you know you’re going to be seen by people who have never seen you before. That’s why I always dress to impress. Sure, some people think dressing to a casual cut creates candid connections, but why not really leave an impression that’s going to last?

Suits are a good start, but that’s far too limited to really project an individual personality. You gotta add something that screamsyou. For starters, try accessorizing. I start off with a shiny pocket watch with an extra long chain (it must go down to at least my ankle). Once that’s wrapped around my leg, I like to get rainbow patterned suspenders to hold up my two-weeks-going unwashed sweatpants (something’s going to have to hold them up since the waist string broke ages ago).

Necklaces are a great way to show off your carotid artery, so it’s best to wear something really flashy and bold. I have my own custom chain that has my Social Security card hanging from it. That way, when people are checking out my sweet neck veins, they’ll spend extra time staring in an attempt to get my digits.

As for shoes, well, I don’t wear any. If people see your feet from the moment they meet you, you’re letting them know you’re willing to walk through the glass and AIDS covered streets to get to that particular location. There aren’t many more things that can express your dedication and loyalty like that.

First impressions are far too important to mess up by dressing like a chump. Looking sharp is what really counts—even if you have to glue broken light bulbs and knives to your clothes.


-Matthew Fugere

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