Sage Advice 77: Lions And Tigers And Bears And That’s It

If you’ve ever seen statistics on how many animal species currently exist, then you’re aware that earth has a lot of variety to offer. It’s amazing to consider just how much life there is around us, but do we really need to divide everything into so many sections and parts? There are probably thousands if not millions of different species of insects (I base that figure off nothing other than the fact that there are a lot of bugs everywhere), but I really break them all down into two sections: flying and non-flying.

Scientists need to get it together when it comes to nomenclature; telling every animal it is part of its own species is going to be the downfall of man. Think about it. How better to feed the ego of the wild than to tell every part of the wild that it’s special? Nurturing the sensibilities of nature is the exact opposite of the point of human existence (we’re here to set everything on fire and destroy stuff).

That’s why we have to start lumping animals into bigger groups. Giving each animal its own name will eventually come back to kick us in the arse—continue feeding their ego and eventually they’ll all grow cocky enough to realize that they run faster, jump higher, and kill us quicker than we can kill them. I’m going to get us started. Below is a list of lists of animals. Each sub-list gets its own new species name. Every animal included in the sub-list will from now on be called that particular new species name. The list goes as follows:


That’s really just the beginning. Let’s face it: there are way too many animals in the world. Giving each animal its own special name just because it looks a little different from a bunch of animals that its really similar to doesn’t make sense. It’s too confusing and gives the animals too much leeway regarding their ability to think themselves better than people. We can’t let that happen.


-Matthew Fugere

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