Sage Advice 74: Don’t Doing That Thing

Common sense requires years of paying attention to your physical and social surroundings to acquire. Those who are detached from, uninterested in, or lacking empathy for their community are generally forfeited the ability to develop common sense. I should really define what I think common sense is before I go much further. For me, common sense is your knowledge of the things people really shouldn’t have to tell you not to do on a daily basis. It sounds simple, but many people have a hard time crafting their interactions with the world without doing a few things that they really shouldn’t have to be told not to do.

But why sit back and judge those I deem incompetent? I would much rather lend a helping hand than throw a heavy gavel. I’ve compiled a list of actions that no one should have to be told not to do. The next time you’re about to do something that might seem like an obvious thing not to do, just take a look at this list and make sure you’re in the clear (and if you don’t see the thing you’re about to do on here, then, by all means, do it):

  • Don’t take a picture of your genitals unless you’re being paid considerably for it.
  • Don’t leave a baby next to, in, on, or through a blender.
  • Don’t get someone’s name tattooed on you unless you owe them a considerable amount of money.
  • Don’t eat your dead pets. Or you living pets. Honestly, just don’t eat any of your pets regardless of their physical condition.
  • Don’t buy a 3D television.
  • Don’t believe in ghosts.
  • Don’t hunt mythical creatures (yetis, unicorns, chupacabra) as they don’t exist.
  • Don’t cancering (remix).
  • Don’t try to eat fire.
  • Don’t try to smuggle heroin in between your toes. That isn’t going to work.
  • Don’t leave sandpaper in your shoes.
  • Don’t park there on the third Thursday of the month. You’re going to get a ticket.
  • Don’t leave bodily wastes on your boss’s desk.
  • Don’t rape.
  • Don’t go after something you dropped into the ocean. It belongs to the fish now.

These may seem like the most obvious situations you could avoid, but there will always be people who will need to be reminded of what not to do. If you’re one of them, take a look at the list, breath in, and don’t do anything horrible.


-Matthew Fugere

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