Sage Advice 70: It’s The Most Suicidal Time Of The Year

Few words blissfully meld in a harmonious dance of synonymy like holidays and suicide. As the temperature falls and the traffic gets dumber, people ‘round the world prepare to gather and celebrate whatever traditions and customs their dead relatives dictate. It’s also when a bunch of people decide to off themselves; something about the joy of a lot of people makes a bunch of other people really depressed.

It’s easy to lose focus as to why you should bother to keep trudging on, particularly when Jingle Bells gets played on the radio, in malls, and at any place with a speaker system twelve times a minute. But before you decide to carve your name into a wall and kick a stool from under your feet, you should probably know that there’s a pretty big world available filled with stuff to make you not wanna do those things I mentioned in the previous section of this sentence. Here’s a list of stuff to make you not wanna kill yourself:

  • Oatmeal cookies
  • Pictures of baby sloths
  • A chance to outlive Rupert Murdoch
  • What if the sun blows up? Wouldn’t wanna miss that
  • Replace “the sun blows up” in the last one with any of the following: the apocalypse happens; the moon turns out to be cheese; the core of the earth is chocolate; penguins start to grow hands; you find a talking baby.
  • Wine in boxes
  • There might be a twenty-dollar bill in your pocket. Check. Is there? If not, I’m sorry.
  • Remember that person who did that thing to you that you weren’t fond of? That person has cancer now.
  • I hear Arrested Development is coming back on the air. You should at least stick around for that.
  • Paradoxes. They’re just so fun. This statement is false. Isn’t that fun?
  • Let’s be honest: someone is going to have sex with your dead body.
  • You won’t get a chance to finish Lost. I know season five is kinda slow, but season six is fantastic. Seriously, just give it a shot.
  • Are those new shoes? They look good on you.

If you’re reading this, I prefer you being not dead. With any luck, this list has provided you a substantial amount of not-being-dead-sustenance (you can actually buy that at most drug stores—it’s usually near the single rack of cat supplies).

I feel like I’ve gotten off topic. The point is this: as tempting as it may be to kill yourself when the Christmas lights go up, there are still plenty of things worth checking out on this dumb rock while you’re here. When alcohol isn’t enough to kill the depression that comes this time of year, just take a look at this list and everything should turn out just fine.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

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