Sage Advice 66: The American Right

I take the parts of the constitution I have bothered to have someone kinda explain to me very seriously (I’ve never taken the time to actually read it because I’m pretty sure it’s in cursive, and I don’t do cursive). I may not be able to tell you everything about the document, but I do know somewhere on there talks about the American citizen’s right to own a gun. Or bear an arm. Or arm a bear. I’m not sure, but I know it involves guns.

Plenty of people think this is a part of our national charter that should be stricken away. I’m sure those same people would say that it was written during a very hostile and violent time of American history, a time when owning a gun made sense because of the chaotic nature of society during the era. Those same people are also giant pussies.

We should all own guns. You never know when it will come in handy. Let’s face it: nothing bad has ever happened while someone was carrying a gun. I don’t have any statistics or examples to back that up, but I know for a fact that it’s a fact that I wrote, so it’s a fact. Guns make people feel safe. Sure, it’s a chunk of metal that can end the life of another human being with a gesture so easy that an infant could mimic it, but how are we supposed to intimidate our neighbors and friends if we don’t own guns?

I take our right to own firearms so seriously, in fact, that I really think we should be issued them at birth. If you can’t prove you love this country by leaving a gun in your child’s crib then you really need to reconsider your stay here in the U.S. of A. For every digit in the social security number you’re issued when you enter the world, you should get an entire clip of ammunition.

I feel like I might be getting off track, so let me sum up the entire purpose of this Sage Advice in a sentence: babies need guns. The most impressionable moments of our youth’s years are not being guarded. What better a way to protect this fragile state of being than to give every toddler a firearm? If that’s not a campaign slogan and/or promise from the next presidential candidate, then we know our country is truly going through dark times.


-Matthew Fugere

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