Sage Advice 64: The Commonwealth

Virginia is an odd state. Considering its geography and history, you would expect the Southern aspect to be emphasized in more than just its location. While it’s true that there are some parts of Virginia that take on the kind of stereotypes you connect with the American South, there are plenty of areas in the state that resemble nothing of the sort. I would like to go over my home state and explain each part of Virginia to the best of my knowledge and research.*

I’ll start with where I’m from: the Southeastern part. This part of Virginia isn’t very rednecky. In fact, there’s as much industrialization and contemporary culture as just about any major American city. Plus, there’s practically no incest. Sure, some people get down with a second cousin every now and again, but can you really call yourself an American if you don’t?

A little to the North and just a smidge West, you’ll come across Richmond, the capital of Virginia. Richmond is basically a city, but it’s a city that history has taken a giant shit on. You’re probably aware that Richmond was once the capital of the Confederacy during the American civil war. Well, the kind of racism that fueled that era’s interests still exists but just in another form. Instead of we gotta make sure all these black people work for us for free it’s now we gotta make sure all these black people don’t work at all.

If you keep heading west, you’ll get to the backwoods of Virginia. I don’t know much about this area, but I think they own slightly more guns and have sex with slightly more second cousins than the Southeastern part does. I don’t have any statistics to back that up. It’s just a hunch.

Once you get to the most Northern areas of Virginia, you get to where some of the best white people in the world are manufactured and distributed. Home to some of the most affluent people in the country, Northern Virginia is nicknamed ‘the cunt of the world’ by most Virginians who don’t live there. With plenty of government employees and practically no smelly poor people, Northern Virginia is a wet dream straight from the mind of Ronald Reagan.

I think I’ve managed to sum up The Commonwealth of Virginia quite well in this brief yet thorough explanation. Are there areas other than the ones mentioned here? No. Could the parts of Virginia explained in this piece be divided into far more complex societies and cultures? No. Good thing we cleared that up!


Thomas Jefferson Matthew Fugere

*I don’t know much, and I refuse to do research for anything.

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