As this time of the year generally permits, I’ve watched a little bit of professional football while I’m not busy designing a chair built for homeless reptiles (it’s a passion). Before we get confused, I don’t mean football as in that sport people with terrible accents play. I mean American football (the one God cares about). If there’s one thing that amazes me about football, it’s just how absolutely insane the players are.
Really consider what football players have to do: they eat and work out until they’re hundreds of pounds larger than the average human. Then they run at full speed at other humans. How impressive is that? Most people who don’t want to cause physical harm to another human being would never dream of hurling themselves into people for the sake of a game. These guys, however, do it all the time. They get mad over it, too. When their number isn’t bigger than their opponents’ number, they go into a savage rage of hissy-fit like behavior.
The only thing more entertaining than watching the exhilarating violence of football is watching football fans watch the exhilarating violence of football. No group of people knows how to demonstrate the emotional range of a schizophrenic eighth-grader like football fans do. One minute they’re cheering and hugging one another over a touchdown. The next minute they’re punching people in the face as sweat and blood run down their war-painted bodies. I still think they need to get at the level of rioting and abuse that Europeans soccer fans have. However, let’s not focus on Europeans. We’ve already established thatthey don’t understand unwarranted violence quite like we do, so it’s best not to idolize them in any respect.
Let’s face it, football is downright incredible. When men who should otherwise be in prison or the military to fulfill their bloodlust are championed—and even paid—as they brutally attack other people, I know America is doing something right. It reminds me of the Roman Empire and their admiration for gladiators and violence. The Romans. Now there’s an empire that knew what it was doing. It’s still around, right?