Sage Advice 60: The Baggage Of Dead People

Of all the birds we choose to eat throughout the year, none are quite as stupid as the turkey. It’s true; turkeys are really dumb animals. Tilford gave me this interesting animal fact: turkeys are so dumb that they can’t be kept outside when it rains. If they are outside, they will look up and drown. That’s why I’m fine with us slaughtering them en masse this time of the year. Anything that can drown from rain probably doesn’t deserve to live.

But it does make me wonder why we stick with the Turkey when it comes to our Thanksgiving celebration. Certainly there must be an alternative to the dumbest bird on the planet. I’m not worried about them tasting dumb, but I’m speaking strictly for the sake of variety (why eat stupid animals when perfectly smart ones are just as edible?).

I had an uncle who would make tacos for Thanksgiving. Tacos and whatever the hell he could find in his cabinets that day. Normally I wouldn’t follow suit from a guy who is so disconnected from cultural norms that he cooks tacos for Thanksgiving, but why the hell not cook tacos for Thanksgiving? The Indians we genocided the shit out of aren’t gonna care if we switch from turkeys to tacos. It’s all the same for them and their fragmented cultural identities. And I’m sure turkeys wouldn’t mind taking a break from being the main course. Oh yeah, that uncle of mine died of colon cancer. That may seem off-topic, but I really think the tacos had something to do with it.

Traditions are stupid. Sticking to traditions year after year is even stupider. You probably shouldn’t even bother celebrating Thanksgiving as it takes way too much time and effort to prepare, but if you are, try something other than normal servings. If you can’t get your hands on some tacos, try just making a shit ton of soup. Just lots of soup. Invite a bunch of people to your house and tell them how awesome all this soup is gonna be in a few hours when it cools and it’s ready to eat. Then eat some soup. I don’t know how we went from Tilford to genocide to cancer to soup, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got a valid point in there somewhere.


-Matthew Fugere

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