The other day I saw a woman wearing a shirt that read, in large brightly colored words, “WARNING: Educated Black Woman.” What a terrific shirt! Just through the medium of polyester and blinding letters this lady had managed to express the social and personal obstacles she had overcome throughout her trials and tribulations. She was proud to have beaten the statistics that told her she was doomed, and I was psyched to see her be so open with her pride.
I wanted in on some of this accomplishment-based t-shirt wearing, so I took a cue from the educated black woman and made my own shirt. It read, “WARNING: Educated White Man.”
My shirt did not receive the same praise the educated black lady’s shirt had. In fact, it turned out that having a shirt expressing being white or a man or an educated white man comes off as a bit Hitler-y. Evidently, the whimsical, heartfelt “WARNING” from the educated black lady’s shirt translated as “WARNING: NO, SERIOUSLY” on my shirt.
The real problem came down to my complete lack of life obstacles. It turns out being a white guy isn’t too difficult. And being an educated white guy isn’t too impressive. Statistically speaking, I’m an asshole.
I had to make my shirt count, though. After all, I had spent five dollars on a white shirt and black marker, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that go to waste. So, I added this bit to my shirt to make it seem like I had actually accomplished something in my so far very easy life: “WARNING: Educated White Man Who Totally Lost His Wallet Once And Had To Wait At the DMV For Like Three Hours And Cancel His Credit Card, Seriously, It Was Annoying.”
Now that’s something to be proud of.