Sage Advice 110: The Public Domain Of Me

To the best of my knowledge, I have only been quoted in a widely-read publication once in my entire life. Perhaps it’s important to qualify widely-read: I was quoted in my high school newspaper. Assuming even a slight fraction of the student body read it, then we’re talking a few hundred people reading a statement from me—perhaps the largest audience I’ve ever had.

Who was reading isn’t nearly as crucial as what they were reading, though (at least not for me). During my senior year, students were given a survey to fill out that the editors of the school paper were going to use for content. I suppose it’s easier than getting interviews with people through the archaic manner of talking to them. The questions were all regarding how you felt about “being the future.” The logic: you are young; therefore you are presumably the future.

Being a man of brevity when possible, I broke my response for the multi-questioned survey to one answer: “We’re the future? Well, that sucks.” Without my permission or knowledge, I found my half-assed remark in giant, bold letters next to a picture one of the newspaper students took of me in the school paper just a few months later, long after I had forgotten about it.

Despite it being more of a spontaneous answer than one of reflection and consideration, based off my contribution to the world so far, I think it’s safe to say I pretty much nailed it when it came to my evaluation high school graduating class.

My amazing foresight aside, I am concerned with how easily something I totally forgot about was able to be lifted from my likeness and used for another’s benefit. As such, I’ve decided to take a little more control over such a situation by creating a few quotes from me that are, for all practical purposes, open to the public.

Feel free to utilize any of the following quotes without my permission, completely out of context, and for any of your financial/social/personal gains. All that I ask is that you remember cite my name when using them.

Quotes from Matthew Fugere:

“You can’t sell babies at the grocery store these days, and I think that’s a shame.”

“I’ve never used that finger before.”

“If you can smell a raccoon in your bathroom, you’ve got a serious problem with your neighbors.”

“Can’t believe it’s 4 o’clock already and I’m not even drunk. What’s the point of Disney World?”

“You don’t tell me where to buy canned goods with Canadian money.”

“I’m out of order? More like you’re taking my order! Suck on that!”

“Still not sure what Tumblr is for.”

“If I’m not allowed in the bathroom to change this baby’s diaper, then I don’t see the point in even having an AutoZone in this town. No, it’s not my child, per se.”

“Latin is bullshit.”

“Greek is bullshit.”

“English is bullshit.”

“Carpe shut up.”

“My dad likes sports, so there’s no need to call me a homosexual.”

“Meth isn’t that bad.”

“I only believe in one God: The United States of Tara. Wait, is she The Wire?”

“Feet don’t count as legs, dummy.”

“U is the least manly vowel.”

“Oh fuck me, dinosaurs are so weird when you think about it.”

“I say we send some ducks to the moon just to see how that shit turns out.”

“I say we send more things to the moon in general just to see how that shit turns out.”

“If you make me drink the milk that’s leftover from my cereal, we can’t be friends and I hate you.”

“I bet it’s crazy when dogs eat fruit.”

“When people finally figure out I’m just three bear cubs in a man suit, I’ll get my own reality show on The History Channel.”

“All fat white people can play guitar. It’s a fact.”

“I can go six days without bathing before I notice my own stench. Beat that.”

“One time I met the lead singer of that band Alien Ant Farm at a Warped Tour. He made me uncomfortable.”

“Chickens are pretty funny.”

-Matthew Fugere

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