Recently the Home Box Office television channel premiered an original series called “Girls.” Starring, created, written, and directed by Lena Dunham, “Girls” is a show about a few 20-somethings living in New York City. The first episode was mostly met with high praise as many critics agreed that it is sharply written and very humorous. As of now, I’ve seen the first two episodes of the show.
After seeing the second episode of “Girls” on HBO, I saw a YouTube video showing a male seahorse giving birth to like 1800 babies.
For only the fact that these two things entered my life at roughly the same time, I have decided to rewrite a couple of scenes of the second episode of the first season of the HBO show “Girls” with an all male seahorse cast. Please enjoy:
Male Seahorses, season 1 episode 2 “Brood Pouch Panic” (Based off the HBO original series Girls, season 1 episode 2 “Vagina Panic”)
Int. a scarcely lit underwater bedroom – night
Two seahorses, MANNAH and EVE, are having sex. The female seahorse, EVE, is on top, pounding furiously away into a bored yet accommodating male seahorse, MANNAH. EVE is clearly more into herself and her pleasure than MANNAH’s presence or desires.
MANNAH (bored, distracted): Uh, so this feels good
EVE (talking dirty): Oh yeah, oh yeah. I’m gonna squirt my eggs all over your fucking tight little brood pouch, you little crustacean whore
MANNAH (confused): You’re gonna what? I’m not a crustacean, I’m a hippocampus
EVE (ignoring MANNAH’s confusion): Gonna send you home to your little crab daddy with eggs all over that fucking brood pouch
MANNAH (catching on): Oh okay, yeah. Uh, cover me in those eggs, you dirty seahorse
EVE approaches egg-squirting climax as she hovers over MANNAH. She removes the condom from her tail or wherever the hell seahorse eggs come from.
EVE (panting): I’m gonna squirt these eggs onto your tiny pouch
MANNAH (confused again): What?
EVE: Where should I squirt these eggs?
MANNAH (timidly): I’m guessing you want to squirt them onto my brood pouch
EVE does. She instantly disengages from the moment afterward, falling to the side and going to sleep. The eggs on MANNAH’s chest float to the ceiling of the room (they’re underwater, remember?).
Int. a really nice seahorse abortion clinic – day
BARNIE, MANNAH’s best seahorse friend, sits in the waiting room of the very clean, sterile looking seahorse abortion clinic. It’s not actually just a seahorse abortion clinic; it’s a place for any male seahorse to take care of various male seahorse specific issues. BARNIE looks impatient and irritated when MANNAH enters the room. BARNIE’s frustration comes from having made preparations for their friend JESSE’s abortion. JESSE is already late, as is MANNAH and JOSHANNA.
BARNIE (angrily): You’re late
MANNA (entering the room, rushing to sit next to BARNIE): I know
BARNIE: What happened?
MANNAH: Where’s Jesse?
BARNIE (sighs): He’s late
MANNAH (snidely): He’s late to his own abortion?
BARNIE and MANNAH share a small laugh together, as though this is expected behavior from their eccentric British seahorse friend, JESSE. JOSHANNA enters the room carrying shopping bags.
JOSHANNA (loudly and without regard to others in the quiet waiting room): So sorry I’m late guys, I got some whatever food seahorses eat because I didn’t know how long it would take. I had to go to my cousin giving birth to like 1800 babies once and it took like eight hours.
BARNIE and MANNAH both give JOSHANNA a look that lets him know he is far too loud for what should be somber place (remember, seahorses get abortions here, guys).
CUT TO a little less than an hour later. MANNAH has left the waiting room to attend an appointment testing him for seahorse STDs. BARNIE and JOSHANNA wait for JESSE, who is now incredibly late for his own abortion and probably off banging random seahorse chicks in creepy bar bathrooms. That dude is loose. BARNIE is incredibly upset about JESSE not being present since he went through a lot to make the most comfortable seahorse abortion scenario possible for him.
BARNIE (flustered and his eyes rolled): This is so like JESSE. He would put us through this kind of crap. I can’t believe he’s this late to his own seahorse abortion. It’s supposed to be one of the most traumatic things a guy can go through and he doesn’t even seem to care.
JOSHANNA (interrupting BARNIE’s rant): I’m a virgin!
BARNIE (suddenly focused): What?
JOSHANNA (sighing, talking under his breath): No girl has even ever squirted her moist eggs on or in or around my brood pouch which is totally how seahorse dudes talk about sex
BARNIE: Well you’ve at least wrapped tails with a girl, right? That’s like 3rd base for seahorse foreplay
JOSHANNA (flustered, speaking quickly): Yes. Well. Uh. No
BARNIE remains silent.
JOSHANNA (upset): You probably think I’m like the biggest seahorse dork
BARNIE (comforting): Oh it’s ok JOSHANNA, brood pouch intercourse is totally overrated
BARNIE and JOSHANNA share a nice moment of understanding and security.
As you can see, I only rewrote a couple of scenes, taking liberties with continuity and dialogue selections for the sake of time and space. I hope you enjoyed my all male seahorse cast version of the hit HBO original series “Girls.” Thanks for reading!