Sage Advice 8: Fourth Of July

It’s summer time again, which means only one thing: chipmunk mating season is halfway over. But there’s more to this degree seeking season (see what I did there?) than the fornication of rodents. One of the greatest and most important holidays in human history takes place during these crucial months.

Fourth of July is not just a holiday for America; it’s also a holiday for anyone who loves the following things: freedom, flags, fireworks, chipmunk mating season, stars, spangles, banners, baseball, water induced seizures, the film “Air Force One” starring Harrison Ford, music from the band Credence Clearwater Revival, the month of June, the eighteenth century, the French, anti-British slogans and propaganda.

Basically, the Fourth of July is a fun-filled extravaganza for the entire world. But how should you express your suppressed patriotism on this special occasion? The most common form of celebration comes by effect of fireworks, alcohol, and trucks. This is a traditional way to celebrate but by no means the best.

If you really want to show off your love for the good ol’ U.S. of A. you’ll need to do what every American was truly born to do: kill a native. If there are no natives in your local area, see if you can order one from the internet or by phone. If you are completely unable to find a native, a Canadian is a perfectly acceptable replacement. You truly don’t understand what it means to be American until you’ve had a hand in the eradication of an entire people.


-Matthew Fugere

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