Sage Advice 48: Cancer

Have you ever wondered what cancer would be like if it was a person? It’s an interesting thought; what would something that plagues living beings so viciously be like if it was more like the living beings it viciously plagued.

I think, first and foremost, cancer would be an asshole. It is an asshole of a disease. Cancer just sneaks up when it’s uninvited, attacks some part of your body you assume just functions without your consistent guidance, and shits all over the cells of your normally functional organ.

Of course, cancer is much more complicated than that analogy gives credit, but I think the main point is still effectively illustrated: cancer would be an asshole.

I’d imagine cancer would be a guy, too. Not to sound sexist, but I don’t think women are capable of distributing pain and misery en masse like cancer can. That’s certainly more of a guy attribute; men are really good at murdering things.

Cancer would probably be a muscle-head. You know, the kind of dude who keeps working out every part of his body until it’s up to his standard of perfection. Cancer does that sort of thing. It just grows and grows and grows until it meets its standard of killing you.

I bet cancer wears wife-beaters all the time. It does that to show off its body.

Cancer drinks vodka. And lots of it.

Cancer only associates with people who are emotionally vulnerable. It’s easier for it to dominate any social atmosphere that way. Once it has proven it’s the center of attention in an otherwise beautifully complex and nurturing structure of life, it strikes. It strikes hard, too.

Cancer makes one person feel bad.

Then the person who feels bad makes everyone else feel bad.

Then everyone but cancer feels really bad.

Hey, waitaminute….

I think cancer might be a cast member on The Jersey Shore.


-Matthew Fugere

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