Sage Advice 46: The Chinchilla’s Den

I like music. I realize how specific of a sentence that is, but allow me to magnify my interest with an exhausted recount of my all time favorite band. This is a group that has performed songs that have touched the heart, soul, mind, and rectum of various periods of my life. I hope you take an interest in this band and pursue their musical endeavors.

The Chinchilla’s Den

Started in the mid 1960s, this psychedelic pop-metal band was formed by dread-haired, non-Rastafarian Austrian vocalist Bernard Hermkompfer along with his three man-servants his parents paid to be his guardians/lovers. The Chinchilla’s Den was best known for mixing too many ideas into a single concept. Not only was the premise of the group a strange mix, but each song featured at least six different instruments, each playing to different tempos and styles.

Bernard was once quoted as saying, “The Chinchilla’s Den was created from my love of gluing things to other things. Like when I was kid. I once glued my cat to my guitar to see the kind of sound it made. The second that feline blood got in my system, I knew I was onto something special.”

Rolling Stone once called The Chinchilla’s Den’s third debut album, 1975’s We Promise this Makes Sense, an “…atrocity to all things that exist” ranking it number three* in their Top 100 Sounds that are Medically Proven to be Worse than Rape.

The band took a hiatus during the 1980s as Leonard Nomsky, bassist/snare drum operating engineer and former man-servant to Bernard, died due to his ongoing battle with his Acute Over-elongated Nostril Syndrome, a disease that allowed an excess of debris and insects into his blood stream.

“When Leo died,” former man-servant to Bernard and primary yeller** of The Chinchilla’s Den, Hasburger Frinden, once said during a 2002 interview, “I knew it was time for us to call it quits. At least for awhile. We had been man-servants to this goddamn kid for like almost 20 years. I hadn’t seen my family since 1963 and I’m pretty sure I had at least one child with my wife.”

A reunion tour was scheduled in 1995, but Bernard Hermkompfer, who had become a rather successful slam poet in his native Austria, took his own life in December, 1994. His suicide note had only one sentence on it, written in his dog’s fecal matter: I totally wrote this sentence with dog doodoo do do you wanna know what I used to write this sentence?

The two surviving members of The Chinchilla’s Den*** both died in a plane crash 2007. Over 500 people were aboard Flight 54 from London to New York. However, then leader of Austria, Ferdinand Guyzin, was quoted as saying, “Many innocent lives were lost aboard Flight 54, but let’s be real, guys. It was worth it to have the surviving members of that fuck-hole of a band murdered.”  

 

*Number one was the sound of a fine-toothed comb going through a taxidermy-stuffed badger’s oil covered fur. Second was the sound of Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich, saying the word nozzle.

**A yeller was an instrument the band made up for their second album, Going Down to Shit River Mountain Stream Geography. Essentially, the yeller would scream the lyrics of each song backwards, creating a vomit-inducing sound of clicks and nonsense.

***The third man-servant to Bernard and fourth member of The Chinchilla’s Den was never actually seen or heard from. Fans of the band speculate that the idea of a fourth member is a metaphysical symbol of the soul and light that carried the group into the super stardom they came to know. Everyone else thinks the band was just bad at math.

Well guys, that about does it for my favorite band of all time,The Chinchilla’s Den. I hope you didn’t kill yourself during that brief history review. I know I wanted to.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

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