Sage Advice 42: Myrtle Beach Drunk

’m quite the expert on fine wine (I’m also very fond of those words rhyming). It’s taken years of not studying or actually drinking any kind of wine to understand the intricacies of such a sophisticated beverage. I thought it would be beneficial for you and me (more you than me, let’s be honest) to share my knowledge of the drink of kings. Without further ado, I present a list of some of the finest wines I have ever endured:

Crúmish Dalor

A French delight from the hills of some countrysided city, the Crúmish Dalor is the only wine known to man that is first used as a bath for every world leader before being pumped into the drainage system of Mari AnTwa’s Parisian condo (she’s an incredibly famous French film star, best known for her starring role in “Nous ne Sommes pas Traduire ce Titre en Anglais”).

South American Happy Coffee

Its misleading name has lead to the deaths of many infants, but that note is not nearly enough to take away from the incredibly bitter-sweat taste of this Brazilian born wine. That isn’t a type-o by the way. It’s actually made out of sweat. And it is very bitter. South American Happy Coffee is generally served with two hard-boiled eggs and a copy of John Woo’s “Hard Boiled.”


A delicacy in its native region of India, Tree-Wine is probably the most desired import in the state of South Caroline due to the drink’s extremely high alcohol content and lightish blueish color. Some of the finest grapes grown in India are placed below a tree carved in the likeness of one of their most world renowned figures, Gandhi. After one week, a group of Indian children are sent to gather the grapes, chanting “Holy shit, white people are so fucking stupid.”

Hopefully I’ve presented some useful culture for you to gnaw on. Remember, the best way to truly get a taste of the unknown is to never actually know anything.


-Matthew Fugere

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