Sage Advice 39: Shakespeare

Shakespeare is usually hailed as one of the greatest writers of the English language. It’s an interesting suggestion when you consider how often he just made up words and how many guys he totally banged (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but how could anyone get anything done with all that awesome gay sex going on?).

You would think that to be considered a master of a particular language, you would have to abide by the rules of that language. It would be like if I told everyone I was the best soccer player in the world but only when we play my rules, and my rules are I win whenever I don’t play soccer.

It did get me thinking, though; why can’t I make up my own words? Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare back when he was writing just like I’m only Matthew right now and not Matthew, Your Great and Majestic King of the World and Everything of Everywhere (get ready for that, future.)

So, I’ve gone ahead and made up a few words. This is just the beginning of my list, maybe I can add on to it as my inevitably amazing career as writer/lion-tamer/Russian astronaut/international homemaker/bunny tamer/taxidermist blooms.

New Words:

Fassle-burg– (noun)

  1. the measurement (in centimeters) between your pinky toes when you stand with your feet shoulder length apart

Galoosh– (verb)

  1. the action of taping turtles to the bottom of Amish wagons in an attempt to criticize the unnecessarily exponential growth of digital technology

Hamstring– (noun)

  1. any string tied to a pig or processed pig meat

Shirtsta– (adjective)

  1. when something tastes like a wet shirt

Moshlep– (noun)

  1. the sweat that accumulates on your palms as you prepare to wrestle a dog for money
  2. how David Bowie’s hair is shaped on Mondays

Shorotopista– (noun)

  1. the combination of three-week-old pineapple juice and ten babies named Igor who decided to change their names at odd-numbered ages
  2. a smell calculator
Oughtnother– (noun)
  1. ought there be ‘nother?
  2. an angry baby bear

I think that’s enough for now. Try using these during your day-to-day activities. I’d even suggest printing a handbook with these words and their definitions written out in it. Remember to leave some space for future words.


-Matthew Fugere

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