Sage Advice 36: Fresh Air

I’ve been trying to find something other than oxygen to use for breathing for a long time now. I’ve tried all kinds of different elements to make my lungs work without the tried and true, life-providing atom that is oxygen. It took me years, but just last week I finally came across something that allows your body to continue breathing without all the yummy stuff that comes in your typical batch of air.

I’m really not sure what the substance I’m breathing is, but I directly know its source and how best to harvest it. My discovery started while I was lying in my bed, waiting to drift into sleep so I could have another dream about growing ostrich legs under my human legs to acquire the full anti-ground force that can only be found in the existence of double-legs. Right before my eyes finally rolled into the back of my head, I covered my head with my blanket, creating a capsule of sorts, trapping me in a seemingly oxygenless doom vessel. However, after a few seconds, I realized my breathing was just as normal as it was outside of my blanket chamber.

Essentially, blankets are able to produce some kind of element or chemical that the human body can use for respiration. I realize this is an extremely complicated idea, so I’ve included a diagram:

I’ve been emailing NASA to share my newfound oxygen replacer, sending them suggestions of astronauts wrapping their heads in blankets instead of the surely expensive helmets they currently use. So far, they have not contacted me back. I recommend you all help spread the word of this newly discovered science by travelling everywhere with a blanket wrapped around your head. You fashion driven people could probably use this as opportunity for expression, too. I want to see some face-blanket designs as soon as possible!


-Matthew Fugere

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