Sage Advice 35: Sandwich Week

My beard has grown numb once more, so that can only mean one of two things: either someone has been throwing ice at me while I sleep again or it’s Shark Week. I looked around the internet and it turns out that no one has thrown even one ice cube at me, so it must be Shark Week.

I understand that filling programming about animals must be difficult (after all, how many times can you really talk about the mating/eating/life-to-death cycles of an animal before your viewers just go do their own mating, eating, and dying?), but why does the network that plays Shark Week every year insist on being so biased? Sure, sharks are interesting. They’re big fish with sharp teeth who can smell blood in the water or something. Someone told me they don’t poop, too. But what about the rest of the animal kingdom? Or even the plant kingdom? Is the shark the only thing in existence deserving of a week of scheduled programming?

I’ve thought about what best to base an entire week of television on. What I’m really going for is something that’s the exact opposite of a shark. So it has to be on land. It has to be relatively small. And it shouldn’t be white or have sharp teeth.

I think everyone would agree that as Shark Week comes to a closing, my chicken and spinach wrap that I had the other day week should begin. I realize it isn’t technically an animal, and that I have already consumed it so it would be difficult to get decent footage of it. But imagine how interesting it would be to spend an entire week marveling at that chicken and spinach wrap I had the other day.

Perhaps I’ve gone off track, but I think my point is still clear: sharks are mindlessly violent fish. Fish that desperately need to become extinct. Instead of watching a week’s worth of programming glorifying the casualty-filled lifestyles of these war-bringing aqua-terrorists, try spending a week thinking of ways to avoid being in the surely shark infested waters that you regularly enjoy during the summer. Also, really consider the following: Jaws didn’t end with that guy in the glasses filming a shark and spanning it out to week on basic cable. No, it ended with that stupid fish having its face explode.


-Matthew Fugere

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