Sage Advice 34: Social Homicide Merit Badge

The number of ways to compare Girl Scouts to drug dealers is frightening. As if being masked with adorable appearances that remove all suspicion from their existence wasn’t enough, these community-health leeches are endorsed and supported by nearly everyone they come in contact with.

Let’s really think this through. What are the similarities between Girl Scouts and drug dealers?

  1. They both sell a product that is addictive (cookies versus meth, is there much of a difference?)
  2. They both sell a product that can and will eventually destroy your life
  3. They both choose ideal  locations to hook new potential customers (for Girl Scouts that would be the entrance to most Grocery Stores, for drug dealers that would be your typical overpass or neglected alley)
  4. They both exist in their own social structure with various merits and positions for differentiating ranks
  5. They both adhere to a certain attire so that they are easily spotted by any citizen
  6. They both carry concealed weapons (Girl Scouts=Swiss Army Knife and machetes (not confirmed currently, but very likely), drug dealers=guns and other weapons)

Do we need more evidence? When you really get down to it, these menacing little children are doing their best to ruin our communities. The worst part? People just smile as they perform social homicide. At least with drug dealers most people agree that they should be demonized to some extent. Furthermore, no drug dealer ever tries to convince himself or his community that what he is doing is only for the best of those around him. Drug dealers, no matter how you feel about them, at the very least won’t deceive you; you know exactly what you’re going to get when you request it.

The next time you really want to do your community good, go find a place where Girl Scouts are welcomed and currently dealing. Walk up to the table where they store all their delicious yet addictive products and kick it right into the ground. Then point at those children and, even if they’re crying, yell, “I know your lies, you filthy social conscious manipulating prostitutes!”


-Matthew Fugere

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