Sage Advice 33: The Queen’s Drink

The only beverage on the planet that truly utilizes the healing powers of looking pretentious is tea. I’m not talking about that wonderful tasting sweet tea garbage you get at your local fast-food restaurant. No, I’m talking about the kind of tea where you grind up some plants and throw it in some boiling water and hope it doesn’t taste like the bodily fluids of dirt mixed with a small after taste of moldy shower curtain.

That’s the real stuff there. I don’t even like to drink my tea unless I know an immigrant, an Asian guy, a hippie, and/or someone British was involved in collecting the materials needed to create it. It’s the only drink where you can actually taste manual labor. However, that’s mostly because there’s nothing else to taste.

I’ve had all kinds of incredible teas over the years. Here are just a few: Hungarian Muskrat tea, Stinky Belly tea, Awakey Time tea, Peppermint Strawberry Vanilla Express tea, Non-milk tea, Oriental Rug tea, Racist tea, Breast Milk tea, Breast tea, Coffee tea, Hamburger tea, Tears of Cancer Patients tea (tastes oddly similar to Racist tea), Chupacabra Sweat tea, Canadian Lazy tea, Jewish Hat tea, Tea tea, The Letter T tea, Bag tea.

The health benefits of tea are bound to be worth tasting liquid bear taint. I can’t count the number of times I’ve convinced myself that whatever ailed my fragile body was being slowly but surely cured by the power of sipping incredibly hot tasteless water. How’s that feel, scientifically engineered medicine? Your stupid healing powers are completely overshadowed by something the British enjoy.

You could easily drink the water you need to make tea and feel more hydrated and refreshed with absolutely no extra work, but then how would you know you’re better than people who don’t drink tea? The next time you see water, just remember: you’re only 100 degrees Celsius, a pot or kettle, some dead plants, maybe some milk or sugar, and ten minutes away from having something that tastes like boiled dead plant juice.


-Matthew Fugere

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