Sage Advice 29: The Crazy Train Is Also Stupid

People use a lot of different things to physically get around these days. Transporting from place to place is absolutely essential for our financial and social needs. Generally, the automobile has served as a trusty tool for short to medium distances. For longer trips, we usually rely on the airplane, an amazing piece of technology able to lift humans into the air by thousands of feet at incredible speeds.

We’re quite fortunate to have travelling crafts that are able to so efficiently move us about the world, but there remains a mode of transportation that needlessly exists far beyond its prime. The train is by far the dumbest thing that continues to live on past the 19th century.

What good comes out of a train? You’re stuck to one track on a massive smelly chunk of metal as it barrels through landscapes at embarrassingly low speeds.  A metallic metaphor for autism, the train is practically incapable of efficiently transporting anything to anywhere ever.

Simply put, trains are stupid. Every time you think it’s a good idea to get on a train, a Chinese immigrant explodes in a horrible dynamite related accident. Why would you ever place your travelling needs in the misguided and irresponsible hands of a piece of technology that has barely changed since people thought horses were better than cars? It makes no sense.

It may seem classy or nostalgic of an era when women couldn’t vote and it was completely okay to call people colored, but when you really get down to the facts, trains are a stupid racist waste of money. Avoid taking these hellish metal crap-vessels at all costs. Nothing says I hate America and kittens like riding on a train.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

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