Sage Advice 28: Turtle Power

Pets are an easy way to a much healthier life. Just having another living thing around that you care about is a great way from keeping you from killing yourself. On top of that, being able to pet something without someone calling the police is a great feeling. But how can you know what kind of pet is right for you?

Dogs are always a great choice. Who doesn’t love dogs? They’re excited and energetic and rarely ever ask you for money. There is a problem with owning a dog, though: they are far too easily killed. If your dog gets hit by a car or a neighborhood kid decides to lose his virginity to it, you’re out a perfectly good canine companion.

Cats are great, too. They’re incredibly independent and can be very loving. On the other hand, they are usually complete jerks. Has a cat ever looked excited to someone? The answer to that question is absolutely not. Cats don’t and will never care about you or your feelings. If you were on fire, your cat would probably urinate on you. Not in an attempt to put out the fire but rather to mark its territory. And cat pee does not smell good.

So what animal is really the best to enslave for your personal mental and physical comfort and security? Cats are too apathetic and dogs are too reckless. Where does one turn? Easy: turtles. Turtles are just energetic enough to get around but just kind enough to act like they care about your day. Plus, they’re practically indestructible. Have you ever tried to kill a turtle? They’re like nature’s reptilian tank. You can bash them with a hammer all day long and they just end up with a few scratches and a facial expression that yells please stop hitting me with a hammer.

Perhaps having a fragile animal that doesn’t care about you is your preference for companionship, but if you’re looking for an animal friend that won’t die if you throw it off the roof and won’t take pleasure from your misery, look no further than the grand turtle.


-Matthew Fugere

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