Sage Advice 27: When I’m Down To Just My Socks

Human existence is driven by two things: Nutella and money. Someone was brilliant enough to start selling the former to make the latter, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go buy chocolate goodness and create a smashing business to get wonderfully rich.

People always look at the incredibly wealthy and wonder How can I become that huge of dick and be able to sleep on piles of money/the tears of poor people? Well, let’s get one thing straight: it isn’t easy. Becoming massively wealthy is not something that can be done without hard work unless your parents did the hard work for you. There’s no exact method to gain your would-be fortune, but there are some guidelines to help you along the way:

  1. 1. Destroy those who oppose you: It may sound obvious, but some people forget this crucial step. It’s so important that you ignore the wants and needs and security of anyone who stands in your way as you accumulate your fortune. Do you have a family? Not anymore if you want to get rich. They will only get in the way. I recommend selling them into charity-labor (it’s like slavery but sounds nicer) if you can.
  2. 2. Public image: Let’s be honest, you’re going to be evil if you want to be part of the glamorous 1%. But it’s important that you keep a positive public image. Try having photos taken of you holding puppies or kissing babies. Marrying a young Asian woman incapable of speaking English would help as well.
  3. 3. Provide a product people need: It may seem odd that this is on the end of the list, but it really is the least important. Once you’re able to rid your opposition and convince everyone you’re not as horrible as you really are, the easy part is just coming up with a business that gives people something they want. How about a store that sells iPod cases made out of exotic animal skin? Or perhaps a cologne that smells like Nutella (see how I come full circle like that)? Whatever it is, just make sure it’s cheap to make and easy to sell.

Well, that’s all you really need to know. If you follow these guidelines, you’ll be well on your way to a life above, and probably resting on the shoulders of, the dirty, unwashed, frankly smelly masses.


-Matthew Fugere

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