Sage Advice 26: Beat The Heat

When I walked outside today, it was one-hundred degrees Fahrenheit. I’m not an expert on weather or walking outside, but I am almost certain that is far too big of a number for temperature. The summer season is at its peak of making parts of your body stick to other parts of your body. How can you avoid July’s cruel disposition against your sweat glands?

Let’s examine the situation from the source. What causes the miserable conditions that are so often associated with this time of year? Easy: the sun. The sun is by far the most overrated part of solar system. What good has it done for anyone ever other than enabling life on this planet? Absolutely nothing.

There are only two ways to fight off the beast that is the sun. The first one is sociable and delightful but painfully impractical. By joining the P.A.S.S. (People Against the Sun’s Shit) movement, you’ll be entering a community of people who are just as angry and short tempered as you are. “Why not wait for the fall to come?” people may ask them. No, this sun stuff is getting out of hand. We need to stop this evil bastard before this whole skin cancer and unreasonable-weather-in-landmasses-closer-to-the-equator gets out of control.

The only other way to truly combat the sun is to not face it. Don’t go outside. Seriously, have you been out there? The sun is clearly a jerk and wants you to die. Just stay in until it’s done doing whatever it does this time of the year.


-Matthew Fugere

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