Sage Advice 19: Dinner

The number one question I’m always asked is “How did you get in here?” The second number one question I’m always asked is “Could you please leave the bathroom?” But the third number one question I’m consistently asked, and the one I want to address today, is “What’s in this chicken?” You see, I’m a bit of a world-class chef. I have a secret to my methods. Something I’ve never told anyone. What do I add to every dish to give it the zesty kick people love so much? Dead animals I find in the street.

It’s true, dead animals I find on the street are perfectly good for creating absolutely delightful meals. Not only is it affordable on any budget, but it’s almost always not generally but sometimes is contaminated with a social disease.

I have created all kinds of delicious dishes over years. Here are just a few: Skunk Creme Brulee, Lemon Squirrel, Homemade Raccoon-Vegetable Soup, Blackened Opossum Rump, Rat Con Arroz, Meatspan, South Canadian Tulip Surprise, Duck Bill Cookie Squares, Worm Milk, Milked Worm (the difference is the timing), Dog Eggs.

It may sound strange, but people usually just throw away these perfectly good raw materials. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can arrive after the animal has already been gutted and flattened for you. This makes the process of skinning and boiling much more relaxing.

So the next time you hit an animal with your car, remember where you were. Come back within the next few hours and bring a shovel and a cooking pot. Dinner is served.


-Matthew Fugere

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