Sage Advice 18: Relativity

Aging is something we all fear. No one likes facing the mortality imposed by the ever punishing hour hand of time. It’s something we all have to deal with though; no one is immune. But there are ways to avoid the anxiety and depression that comes with realizing you are going to die and be absolutely nothing in a relatively short amount of time.

It’s a true fact that I read when I’m writing it now that time seems to slow down when people are met with extraneous situations. If a building is on fire or if you’re in a gun fight with Chinese prostitutes, your perception of time can slow down. Seconds can feel like hours.

We can use this to our advantage by stretching out every second of our lives with explosive action. Don’t want your life to feel like it passed you by? Always be in a burning building or punching a guy who says he was a roadie for Iggy Pop but you know he’s so full of it.

Maybe you could throw yourself into the elephant habitat at your local zoo. Before you hop in, throw rocks at him and call him a Jew (elephants are well known for being anti-Semitic). How long would it feel like to run away from an agitated, possibly racist elephant?

If you’re consistently afraid for your life, it will feel like it’s much longer than it actually is. Stay in constant danger and you could practically live forever.


-Matthew Fugere

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